So this is a hard thing to write about for almost everyone I believe. Our innermost fears, regrets and struggles are not something that are widely talked of or shared with others. I have come to realize though, through people like Cat Meffan (one of my personal yogi gurus), being so raw and open with her story and uplifting others, that this can make the world of difference in someone else’s life. So here is me, being raw and sharing mine with you.
My struggles with depression began when I was young and felt different than everyone else (unfortunately not an uncommon feeling amongst youth) while watching my younger sister seem to flourish and blossom; Later talks with my sister would reveal she had her own hardships. I had scoliosis and a growth hormone deficiency, so as you can imagine I was told almost daily that I was ugly and different. I didn’t allow myself to heal because I felt like I not only deserved it, but that it was normal. In my later teen years I came into my normal height and my slouching subsided, but my inner self loathing remained.
Later in life I chalked my feelings up to anxiety and quickly started on Klonopin, an effective but potentially addictive medication for anxiety. Instead of looking within to ask myself why I was feeling tight and uncomfortable in my own skin I used it as a crutch and became very dependent on it’s effects. It was only after my loving husband noticed me slurring my words that I became aware of the problem I was facing.
After a month of no alcohol or Klonopin, yoga became my biggest tool for anxiety relief. It was and is by no means a cure all, but I believe it’s much healthier to have a tool than a crutch. Breathing into the shapes I create, feeling my body grow in strength and relaxing my muscles are all things that draw me within and truly become one with my body and mind. I’ve been known to cry during a flow and feel this is what makes it beautiful. My advice, hard and true, is to listen to your inner most self, even if it’s messy and uncomfortable. Use the healthy tools you have to nurture the feelings that arise, and it doesn’t even have to be yoga. Find what calls to you and make it your own. <3